If you asked me about God like a year ago, I would probably say something like- "Well, I can´t deny that there is something between the sky and land, some kind of natural power but is it God? The old man sitting on a cloud? Wouldn´t the astronauts see him on their ways to the Moon? And Jesus, well, I´m sure he existed but seriously... Who would want to die for people-so cruel and stupid creatures like we are?" But if you asked me now, I would say something very different. It´s funny how you can change your life in a minute and forget about what you´ve been told before!
I´ve decided to share my story, to tell other people what I´ve learned in 21 years of life on Earth about the only Truth that matters. My way wasn´t smooth and it still isn´t- do I really have to be special about everything?
I´ve always asked "someone in my head" why I wasn´t born like the other girls. Why am I tiny when my friend is tall so people notice her better? Why do I have a big nose which I can appreciate only when I play an old ugly witch at some fairy-tale? So many questions about things that I´ve found unfair...
I really don´t like our society, society which makes people like me feel useless, unworthy, uniportant- everything negative." Do I really have to feel as some creepy little creature who doesn´t deserve to be loved?" I asked the someone in my head. The answer is, of course, no.
Beauty is a very relative thing and we shouldn´t forget that. I really didn´t enjoy being at elementary school cause I had been bullied all the time but everything bad is good for something. It made me stronger. It took a lot of time but I can remember the day when it finally happend.
I was at the second grade at high school and I have been bullied by one of our ice-hockey players. He didn´t like me from some reason and he was keep telling me that I was ugly. I felt sad but.. I was used to those comments so it didn´t break me down.
But one day I was on my way to home and he and his friends tried to stop me, I couldn´t pass through their " live wall" and it made me feel very nervous and powerless.
I knew they could´ve hurt me- our school was in a very distant place without good people around but somehow I was able to run.
The other day I was relaxing with my friends in a room where we could spent our break times and when the guy noticed me, he stoped playing pool and he tried to hit me with his stick. In that moment something in me moved. I could see the other people watching the scene where "the lion was about to tear a little lamb" but no one knew that I was also a lioness.
I found some power inside of me and told him " Hey, are you really going to stub me with this stick? Are you really that weak? So go on, stub me, make yourself feel incredibly powerful " He didn´t expect me to tell something so he didn´t do anything.
Then we had a computer lesson and he tried to at least embarass me with something stupid he said but this time I fought back. I knew that there was one thing he really didn´t like about himself - his fingers. They were very big and fat.
I´ ve never been a fan of mocking people but he started so I told him- "Well, it is truth that my nose is really big but I can get a surgery one day If I´ll find it too disturbing but what will you do with the sausages you have instead of your fingers?"
It was evil but it worked. The whole class, his friends and teacher included were laughting. Since that day he has never reminded me about my imperfections again.
I won because I found a great power inside of me and more- I started to feel protective about my imperfection, I realized that my nose exists as it is and I can´t do nothing about it. And that´s the reason my self defence worked- I knew what I was fighting for.
You may find this story as stupid blabbering but there is a reason why I remembered this. Our life is going in circles, same things are happening but the actors may be different.
I used to be a very non- confident person who prefered to hide somewhere with a book and never tried to be seen because my parents told me so.
They never wanted me to become "someone" because they are happy in their "unknown existence", they never wanted me to have some great ambitions. Their only fear was that me or my brother would want to go to some course like ballet so they would have to go to see our performances. I never wanted to win something, actually, I hate competitions so I never really had a good motivation to run after a ball or something like that. But as I grew up I discovered the little lioness inside of me, the queen who needs to be known. slowly, I started to use the only talent I thought I had ( nowadays I know there is more) and got people by art. Art lessons were the only lessons when even people who really didn´t like me were coming around and saying " Wow, I like your drawings!"
Not that I´m someone special, there are so many things I need to improve but I was lucky to have no competitors in my classes. But the teachers had sometimes quite difficult times with me. I never liked to do the same thing as the others and especially, I didn´t like when the teachers were trying to destroy my art with their ideas. The smarter ones have learned very quickly that " I know better than they do".
Why there are some people who can draw incredibly and the others can´t draw at all? Is there any reason for that? I think that there is one. For example if you think of any book or a movie where there is a group of people which have to do something, none of them can do the same thing or carry the same weapon. In Lord of the rings Aragorn carries a sword, Legolas has a bow and Gimli an axe so together they are perfect and unbeatable. If they all carried only swords it wouldn´t be so effective in a war and maybe they would die. If we all could draw perfectly- who would write? Who would sing? We have those talents on a purpose. God gave them to us to use them for acknowledging people of his love.
If I didn´t know how to draw I would have never create my " Blue universe" with a blue man called "Samohanna Montana. If I never let my subconscious to speak I would never write his story and start to think about God.
This story isn´t a philosophical thing, it´s a kind of rebellion which is found funny by my czech blog´s readers. I wrote it for fun because one day I was drawing automatically and the thing I have created was well... I still don´t get it but it´s like my subconscious had problem with being attacked by human sexuality all the time and everywhere.
This picture contains creatures which are probably women and one blue man in the middle of petting and copulating. I have named it as " The midnight dream of the Samohanna called Montana after seing a movie with a very pornographic topic with a lady with ginger hair"
The name of the blue creature is a wordplay. It´s hard to uncover it in English because it works only in czech but the thing is that I was overfed with the "Hannah Montana" stuff ( she was everywhere three years ago!) so I used her name and made a fun of it. I just added a preposition- samo so it made a czech word (samohana) which means masturbation.
The story is very simple. The Creator (my version of God) got sick of people so he decided to destroy the Earth but one of his angels felt sorry for people so he asked The Creator to not to do it. Because he was a very nice old man he forgot about his anger and gave the Earth to this angel and decided to make another, better world ( As i´m thinking about it now, the angel could be Jesus)
The Creator created "The Blue universe", a perfect world with thousands of colours where the grass is purple and rocks look like big red tongues. He decided to create no human beings there because they only do bad things and destroy his work. However, Devil´s cousin, the Archdevil, followed him because he wanted to get some power and he made something like a woman from spider´s web there. He was very friendly to the Creator and offered him a special drink to celebrate his new amazing world. The Creator was so happy that he forgot to be suspicious so he drank it and got very drunk and as a result, he impregnated the "web woman" and in a while his first son from the Blue universe was born.
He named him "Hanna Montana" and was very proud about him in the end but he decided to not to tell him about the existence of women. Hanna was immortal and in time he felt very lonely. The Archdevil was very angry with The Creator that he hasn´t made women so there is no sin on the Blue universe so he stole a TV and some videotapes on Earth and shown Hanna the "Truth".
He shown him a porn with a girl with ginger hair and Hanna totally fell for her. The Archdevil re-named him to Samohanna to let the Creator know that his mind isn´t so innocent no more but in fact, the thing Samohanna felt was a pure love. My story is about his desire and a very long and adventurous journey he went to meet his lady. Will he ever find her? Will she give up her job which she got in a very desperate need of money? Probably yes, because there is always some hope.
Why is this story so important on my way to the love of God? It made me think. Think about universe, other living creatures in there, about our poor planet and about us. Why he never left us? Why should he forgive us our sins? The answer is very simple actually- because he loves us. My blue man fell in love with a porn actress but even thought she is a sinner he can forgive her the tons of careless sex for money and make her better with his love. Love is a very powerful thing, Imagine how great must be the love of God!
But I was writing about circles before. The first story I told you happend few years ago but I´m experiencing something similar now. I started to realize who I am this year when I started to date a guy. I liked him at first but in time I felt like... trapped. He wanted me to do things I wasn´t sure I want to at the moment and it made me feel depressed. I felt like there is surely something wrong with me (and it is but I don´t want other people to know it) and I cried every time after seeing him and discussing "what´s your problem". He loved me and maybe he still does but I am broken creature who can´t recieve or give love. At least, I thought so.
I acted the same way to God and Jesus all the time- I wanted to do what I want to do, I never liked the idea of someone controling me but then I realised it three weeks ago when I a very good man prayed for me.
I kept all my hurt inside of me all my life and no one could ever guess that I was broken once. I forgot about this pain too for a while but when I wanted to date this guy it ..it appeared again. It wasn´t really the guy´s fault that I was depressed and became very unstable but it happend because of him. After I broke up with him I felt a bit better but when I met another guy I liked I felt like.. this time I can´t let it affect me. But (un)fortunately, we went drinking once and not that I was so drunk but he had a very special gift to recognize people with problems. We were talking and then.. He told me he thought he knew something about me and he told me his guess. He was right. In a moment I started to cry. I never told anyone, I kept it all for myself and he just released it. I felt strange relief. I finally had someone to talk to without hiding anything and I´m grateful for that. Now I know I´m not alone in this fight but I´m not able to get myself together yet.
When the good man prayed for me I remembered it all and realized that I need help. Not a psychologist, higher power. Someone who can give me the strenght to forget and start to live. At that moment, I realised that it´s not so bad to have someone who cares about you. My parents are atheists and they raised me that way so I learned to be by myself. I was refusing Jesus and God because I didn´t understand why would they let me to come through this stuff, why would they let anyone suffer and I wasn´t able to accept the ancient book written by ancient people which I found boring. Oh, how wrong I was!
I cried all the time because I needed to know that there is someone who loves me and cares about me. I mean, I love my parents and they do love me but we have never been really close. We don´t share our feelings. (How could I tell them my story? Now they think of me as a stupid weirdo but it´s better than make them feel sorry)
Three weeks ago I went to a multicamp which was organised by christians. I go to those camps every year so I really didn´t feel like this one would be special but it was. I found myself more interested in God and I really wanted to know how it is possible to start to believe in something I can´t touch. I always needed a proof so I was keep asking stuff my American teachers but all they were able to tell me was "The Bible says so " And it wasn´t enough.
I felt like crying all the week- when I saw them singing their prayers before the meal, when I noticed the beautiful light in their eyes, when we discussed philosophical topics.
I decided to get one English and one gospel singing lesson a day. God bless this decision! If I didn´t have such amazing teacher as Maria was, my way to God would be longer. And the same with the gospel singing. When we were singing those christian songs, I felt great, I felt like there was something with us- a light, the Holy spirit. It made me think alot.
One night I felt a very strange warmth when I was partly asleep. It felt like a big dark cloud. I had no idea what it was and luckilly I woke up before it "got" me. I told Maria about this when we were talking about God and stuff and she told me that it was probably the "other side". It frightened me. If I could feel the other side after I started to think about accepting Jesus then it must be all truth. I needed a proof and I finally got it. I wish I never asked for that!
At the end of this camp I heard a boy talking about Jesus and about how to accept him. He was giving an example of a prayer and I felt like crying again. I needed to say it, I needed to tell Jesus that I got my proof and I started to believe him! I used the boy´s invitation and silently asked our Lord for forgiveness. I felt strange relief again.
I told the news the girls in my "discussion group" after and they were very happy about it. I never knew how it is to belong somewhere, i´ve always been the outcast with just a few good friends, the one the others never understood. This feeling is wonderful, to be a part of something bigger than I am!
I felt great but a bit worried. I knew that I can´t come home and tell my parents "hey, I beleive in Jesus and God now". They would say that the "saints" must be happy that they got another sheep to get money for. Or something like that. I still have no power to tell them directly but I started to wear a cross on my neck so they might find out.
Today my brother, a real opponent of christianity, asked me who told me to wear this riddiculous thing on my neck. I asked him if he had a problem with that and he said "yes, I do" so I told him " well, that´s your problem, not mine" Luckily our friend was there too so he couldn´t start to argue with me but I´m prepared for this. I wish he could understand it one day!
I may have become weak and lose my faith as I got home but something strange happened to me again. I was very tired but still I went to bed after the midnight. I read the Bible before to find out if I can find any sense now ( and I really do) and said something like "Thank you Jesus for letting me know you" but as I closed my eyes I learned very quickly what prayers are for.
I really wanted to sleep but very dark shadows were flooding my mind. I couldn´t start to dream, something strange was happening in my room. There was something under my eyelids so I decided to open my eyes. It didn´t dissapeared. The dark shadows were coming to my bed and my heart started to beat very loudly and fast. I had fear but I wasn´t able to realise why in that moment. Strange sound was in my head, I felt empty but full of darkness at the same time. It hurt. Then I remembered Maria´s words that the dark cloud I felt before was the other side and it may happen he would come again to scare me. I also rememembered that I must command him to go away in the name of Jesus and pray.
I was keep talking in my head something like " Get out, leave me alone, in the name of Jesus Christ, I don´t belong to you and I don´t want to!" It didn´t really work so I turned the light on and started to whisper my prayer. It worked for 20 seconds and then the darkness came again. I was keep praying and telling him to go away, turning the light on and reading the Bible but the result was still the same. I burst out crying. I have never felt so frightened in my life like that night. I felt like the morning will never come and the darkness will kill me.
I knew that I´m not really hallucinating because my cat was staying in my room and she was very impatient.
When I turned the light for the last time I shivered by fear about my family and cats. I was trying to find something to comfort me in the Bible and then I remembered Maria´s words again. She told me the Devil can´t touch me because Jesus protects me but when I saw his hazy claws reaching out for me I felt like I have to at least tell her what was happening, just in case. As I was wrting her a message on facebook ( God bless phones with the internet!) I started to feel better. I decided to try to sleep with the light on and it worked. It wasn´t a real sleep but I could get some energy. When I heared the birds outside singing I felt comforted and finally fell asleep.
I woke up at 10 as usual that day and looked like a real zombie. I was prepared to hear usual sarcastic " you´re waking up already?" but something was wrong. The tea was still hot and my parents were in their pajamas. My parents who wake up at 6 even at the weekend! It made me think but I had no power to ask them why they slept so long that time. did they feel the devil´s presence too?
I told some of my new christian friends about what have happend to me and they all promised to pray for me. I was scared to go sleep at night but then I didn´t feel so bad as the first night. I prayed with Maria on the phone, I knew I´m not alone so when the Devil came I wasn´t scared anymore and told him to go away.
It´s like two weeks now since the first night at home and he keeps coming but his visits are shorter and shorter. Jesus helped me to find a way how to get him out. First, I don´t feel scared or worried so he has nothing against me and second- I sing inside of my head. I´ve learned some wonderful songs which suit me at the camp and the Devil hates them.
Everytime I start with the "resting place" (" I´m letting go of my past ´cause I´ve had enough of sadness in my life. And i´m saying no to the hurt that´s been on my mind and let your light shine...") and end with Irene ( " Hush little baby don´t you cry, daddy´s gonna sing you a lullaby, everything´s gonna be alright, Lord´s gonna answer your prayer tonight". He usually let me fall asleep after singing "Father I´m stronger I say! " like 20 times. I know he will be coming every night for some more time to tease me and it isn´t comfortable at all but I must hold on. He made a great mistake by trying to get me! If he hadn´t come I wouldn´t believe. My faith wouldn´t be so strong and I would never find out how it is to love someone with all my heart.
I´ve always had hard times to imagine to love one person who is not my blood for ever but now I know that even I am capable of this wonderful powerful feeling. Even I am loved by someone and that someone knows me better than I do. Only He knows why I was born the way I am and I thank him for this. No matter what other people say, I´m beautiful, nobody looks or thinks as I do and I shouldn´t let our society to feel bad about it. I will try to make the society be better!
I know it´s like "mission impossible" but I must try. Do you remember the ice hockey player, the guy who bullied me at high school? I could have act like other people would do, keep mocking him but I didn´t. When we were at the forth grade and were about to graduate I offered him help with English. One of my friends asked me to write down all the speeches for 25 topics because she had no idea what to say and I did. I did write it and gave it to everyone who asked me to get it. Even thought most of them never liked me much and they would not do the same thing for me. I just didn´t care, I wanted them all to pass the exam. I was helping some of them in my free time with the speeches and it gave me one amazing moment.
When I was in a free classroom with some guys, coming through the topics I saw the "bullier". I told him he can join us if he wanted to and I would explain him everything he didn´t understand. He looked at me and said :" Really? Why would you do that? I never did anything good to you, why would you help me now?" I smiled and told him : " You can think to yourself that I´m just stupid or you can accept that I want the world to be a better place and I feel that it´s my duty to share my knowledge with other people" And then he did something I didn´t expected- he apologized. How can I be angry with him when I know he started to think about his acts and regrets it? And that´s the way Jesus is. It may be hard to understand for some of us but some people are just this way.
Now I wrote more than I wanted for the first time but sometimes I just write and write and can not stop. I felt the need to tell people what happened to me so the devil will be very unhappy about me again. He doesn´t like when people know about God and Him because he can influence them.
The last thing I´m going to write now is a little note I have for the other side:" Dear devil, I refuse all the hate and pain you have put into my life, I refuse to be your rugdoll and I forgive all the people who made me this way I am- broken lioness. Because one day I will recover and there won´t be your footsteps in my life anymore. I forgive them because I know who told them to hurt me, it was only you and I will repay you this. I will tell all the people I can who you are and how to protect themselves. You have no right on me anymore because my heart belongs to God and Jesus!"